April 1, 2013

For Immediate Release - Arizona Frontier Brewery Consultants


On behalf of 6 other industry principals, I would like to announce the formation of Arizona Frontier Brewery Consultants. We represent a new kind of company that will leverage new media, new technology and old school strategy. AFBC seeks to identify and monetize your passion. We will create strategic partnerships between beer fans and breweries to propel Arizona Breweries into the National spotlight

I have been hired on as the Public Relations Director for AFBC and I will be the only employee that will not remain anonymous. AFBC is comprised of industry professionals with over 100 years of experience. These individuals will retain their strategic positions working behind the scenes. Our agile strategy will allow us to utilize their existing report-to relations to unknowingly further AFBC goals.


Technical
If you are a brewery in planning we can work with your lack of professional brewing experience. Using our Manu-fast Destiny Plan™, our team will leapfrog your company over the brewing process. Our contract brewery partners can help you take your brand concept to market quickly by using our catalog of 15 base styles and combining them with our database of flavor variations. Additionally, we have 3 extreme barrel flavors to blend with your "catch-ily named beer".
Base Styles*
IPA II
IPA IV
IPA Double and a Half
Russian Imperial Stout
Imperial Stout or Porter
Porter / Stout / Brown (varies by concentration)
BarleyWine
BarleyWine II
Extreme Session
Quiet Storm Imperial Blond
Wheat Clean
Gateway Pale/Wheat
Wheat Clovey
Wheat Banana
*We can make any of these in Black

Extreme Barrel Series
Big Oak™
Bourbon Bomb™
Collab-Cab™
Database of Flavors  (sample)
Hoppy Profile
Hoppy Profile Citrus
Hoppy Profile Pine
Hoppy Profile (Wincingly Flavorless Bitter)
Chocolate
Chocolate (ladies)
Fruit
Berry
Chinese Five Spice
Poultry Seasoning (Belgian)
Plate of Shrimp
and many more
In addition to these combinations we can blend with our current clientele to get you flavors of buttered toast, nail polish remover, cabbage and feet.
Flagship? You don't need a stinking Flagship.
All of your beers are Specialty Beers with the AFBC way!
Collaboration
AFBC firmly believes that there is still some mileage left in the collaboration game. We'll pair your second line employees with the second line employees of restaurants, bars, retailers and bloggers. There is a remarkable synergy to be drawn from pairing your keg washers with the dishwashers of the many five star resorts in Arizona. Also consider the 10 fold jump start you will get by having a blogger pre-review her collaboration beer with you.

Film
We have partnered with the Ventura Media Group to do celebrity collaborations. VMG has well placed niche C-listers in music (Stryper), film (Ted McGinley), television (Ted McGinley) and internet (Bad Luck Brian). Ventura Media Group also holds the posthumous rights to Jan Michael Vincent (in pre-negotiation) and Patrick Swayze (ladies).
TV

Marketing
Our team has gathered together the minimum number of reviewers to qualify for ratings on Rate Beer and Beer Advocate. This team has special access to your Limitless Limited Release Program™. Our distribution network insures that your beers will always be available to the AFBC Tastemakers. We ensure top quality reviews by removing the bottom quartile from the program.
As your inventory becomes scarce, our AFBC consultants unveil the 4-Ounce Growler only program and the "We're gearing up for cans" rumor  Using our real estate team, we'll concoct a second production brewery story.

4 Ounce Growler - Sharable
Many craft breweries are afraid to make sexy woman advertisements. We will go there.

Brand Concept
We will work with your bad pun, Arizona place name or other dog concept and your crappy logo. You need to keep your identity and we're powerless to fix that. We can't compete with your relatives and their "shop" skills.

Beer Tourism
Haven't got the funds to start a brewery or have the initiative or discipline to create a business plan? The AFBC has a Beer Tourism plan that will keep you in the social media spotlight. We'll whisk you to every festival, every event, every conference. We'll let you name drop the kinds of beer that you'll supposedly make. Hypothetical collaborations, yes of course. Our typical campaign lasts about 18 months. You'll drink plenty of free beer and all you have to do is make the occasional homebrew.

Arizona Frontier Brewery Consultants (AFBC), founded in April of 2013 utilizes the experience of 6 industry professionals and everyone that reports to them in their real jobs. Rob Fullmer, the Public Relations Director is their sole spokesman and point of contact. AZBC has no website, it has no Twitter or Facebook accounts. If you have a problem...if no one else can help...and if you can find them...maybe you can hire...The AFBC.

EDIT: This is, of course a hoax in celebration of April Fools Day. Here are some other's I found.


Bonus Edit:
In luck too good to be true, I found that the Papago sign was taken down for a replacement.

I captioned it thusly:

Breaking. The Tohono O'odam tribe of Arizona also known as the Papago tribe C&D @PapagoBrewing. Immediate takedown.
I even got some help form Papago principle Johnny. Screenshots redacted to protect the innocent.

4 comments:

  1. I know of at least three local breweries that will take you up on this.

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  2. Lot of work for an April Fools joke!!! Good one though.

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  3. Just saw this. Funny and oddly, some topics could be beneficial.

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  4. oh... and way too much time on your hands.....

    ReplyDelete